Saturday, September 14, 2002

quite a weekend so far! Thursday night, things with Mike went the direction they've been leaning towards for so long now...and friday night, I was arrested for DWI! My life is falling out from under me!

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Crazy day! but the job's got perks! today i got to meet Mel Brooks!
last friday I met Paul McCartney...the days are lookin up!
I may go visit B this weekend, after I get drunk with Mike tonight, try and take advantage of him too...simply bc Lisa's coming home tomorrow, and hell feel awful and hopefully somehow things will work in my advantage eventually! not that I really even kow what my advantage would be...but what the hell! I can't be expected to kow everything can I?
Its amazing how this office shuts down when mel brooks comes in! not that people swarm him, but everyone becomes really quiet, except for the constant whisper that you hear, but thats not really there "mel's here...shhh! mel's here with Richard!" This is so wierd, before this I had had no brushes with fame...now Im surrounded by it! its when things lilke this happen that it makes me want to go back to work the next day...it makes the train and subway worth it...it makes the constant scrutiny of my bosses worth it! And for some reason it makes me think that I CAN do this and be successful...if anything bc I want it so badly! I want to be the one that when im in the office, everyone suhts up and whispers "shh! she's here!"

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

One year ago...

I was sleeping soundly, through another class I should have been attending...when Kelly came in saying that it was an emergency. A plane had flown into the twin towers and there was terrorism everywhere. I envisioned men in turbans running the streets of O-town and every town in America with large machine guns...

"A" was on her way back to Brooklyn, when a road block stopped her progress, getting her back home without a panic attack paralyzing her was a feat of wills...

Trying to find her father who had been staying in the hotel between the two towers as an even bigger feat! He finally called while walking across the brroklyn bridge some 6 hours later...he had been across the street...

sitting in my professors living room, watching the events with his family, while they tried to contact family members down in NYC...

returning a keg from a weekend back to school bash...

ordering chinese food, cuz there was no energy to cook...

breaking the tension of the day by ending it watching IGEA hair removal infomercials with two other people who I no longer even can be in the same room with...is it all worth it?

haven't updated in a few days. Its creepy down here in NYC. The first name i heard read as i emerged from the subway was my own first name. Like a voice calling from the heavens. And the wind! its like all of those souls have come back to mourn with the living and they're all swirling around embracing the living.
On a lighter note...I hade a second "date" with Mike last night. This time to play tennis at 9pm under the lights. it was really cool. Unfortunately all of our dates are throwbacks to high school times.
The title to mine and B)'s car went through. its his. Our last tie cut. Very depressing actually. I didn't realize just how final a piece of paper can make things. Our pseudo divorce is almost final. And its painful. Mike doesn't really ease it bc I know hes still madly in love with Lisa, and were she to decide she loved him back...I would lose him in an instant. Even though he says he would never cut me off again...I know how these things work. The girlfriend has the power, and shes not yet moved to title of "ex-girlfriend" thats me, to him right now, shes just been demoted to Lisa. God this is fucked up!

Sunday, September 08, 2002

I have a bruise on the inside of my right knee. A constant reminder of Friday night's activities, where my leg was wedged between the car door and the drvier's seat. its like a scarlet A on my leg...everytime my hand brushes against it I remmeber those moments, how natural it felt, the comfort of a familiar lover...how I really want more from him. How I knwo that if more is to come, its for real, and its permanent. Could I possibly end up with my high school boyfriend forever? im not fighting the idea in the least. The dreams somehow premonition of what was to come? I care about him. I want him. I love him. God this is fucked up!

AS the fall is appraoching, the fact that I am no longer in school hits harder and harder. Especially hearing about all the activities at O-Town that Im missing out on. It sucks. Is that why the relationship with Mike is so inviting. I forgot that Lisa is back in O-Town, and therefore the chance of him going up there with me is slim to none. I don't want to put him in the position. For my own sake I suppose. Ugh, off to rearrange my friends lives into a neat a clean professional resume!